is there holy bible fanfiction
jesus fucking christ
looks more like jesus fucking noah
i’m going to hell for laughing
AS A CHRISTIAN I SHOULD NOT BE LAUGHING RIGHT NOW
Here is a link to the fan fiction if anyone is curious
Summer is just around the corner! Which means you’re probably fervently preparing for ~bikini season~, trying to get back into that beach bod! Well here are some dieting tips from Denny’s Diner to help you feel a little more comfortable this year:
- Bikini season? Shmikini shmeason.
- You look wonderful already.
- Whatever makes you feel best is best.
- There is no “right” way to look.
- Be kind to yourself.
- Build a sandcastle.
- Seriously, you look wonderful.
- Denny’s loves you.
I love you Denny’s
Anonymous asked: you are a pretentious prick who is also a transphobic piece of trash, go to hell
There is so much of this stuff in my ask box, and most of it not even anonymous, but I don’t want to call out any particular user because I know they’ll then get a lot of hateful asks and the cycle will just continue.
First off, there’s a comma splice in your ask. I just have to let you know that, on account of how I’m a pretentious prick.
I hope that I’m not transphobic. I’ve been public and vocal in my support for the rights of trans people for years, and I’ve tried over the years to amplify trans voices, from T Cooper to Stephen Ira Beatty, rather than pretending to be able to speak for them.
Look, I am a person, and I am not a particularly good one. I am screwed up and make a lot of mistakes. But I am not a piece of trash. I would imagine that you are also screwed up and make a lot of mistakes, but you aren’t a piece of trash either.
But it is still hurtful—very hurtful—to hear people call me a piece of trash. It just makes me sad to hear, the way I think it would make most people sad to hear. The certainty and lack of nuance in that characterization reflects a broader lack of nuance in online discourse these days that just bums me out.
Stuff like this? It’s not activism. It’s hate mongering.
And it’s not even correct. Just because you levy an accusation at someone doesn’t make you right about it.
This is the kind of stuff that will ruin the internet, if we let it. I hope we can get ourselves together and end this so we can have good things.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad. — Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via kanyequeen)